December 22, 2006

Holiday Eating Tips.........

1. Avoid carrot sticks and celery. Anyone who serves carrots and celery knows nothing of the holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare.
In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but
now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an "eggnog-aholic" or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it! Have one for me.

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or butter-and-cream. If it's skim milk, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a holiday party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted cookies in the shape and size of Santa Claus, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get
to have more than one dessert when you're not pregnant? Labour Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but don't turn up your nose and attempt to avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards. . .try some with a BIG dollop of Cool Whip!

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips: start over.

But hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an
attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in
one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and yelling........

"WOO-HOO what a ride!"

Happy Holidays

8 peeps just sayin':

Rainwolf said...

Awesome, and Bah Humbug to you. Have a good holiday.

Anonymous said...

wishing you and your family a wonderful christmas and rockin new year...

Hope you all keep safe and warm!! :O)

the only daughter said...

Adding an extra dollop to everything! :)

Happy Happy Joy Joy to you and yours.

Attila The Mom said...

LOL! Brilliant! Wishing you a very happy holiday!


Annoyed said...

Awesome post!

Merry Christmas

Swishy said...

LOL! Isn't that the point of New Year's resolutions, to undo all of the holiday damage?

Hope you and Trish and family have a wonderful holiday!

Beth said...

Now THAT is PIE!!!!!

And I could drink gravy out of a mug...I love it that much. that's really gross, isn't it?

And that is one beautiful picture way up there at the top!

Merry Christmas!

mist1 said...

I got fat just reading that.